Dear Ivan:

Mommy and I are so thrilled that you are really learning how to read.  At the tender age of 4 years and 9 months, being able to read is a huge accomplishment.

On the other hand, I have to say that I’m not always thrilled with your choices of reading material.  What’s with all this stuff that rhymes?  Mop, top, stop, pop?  Sneetches, leeches, breeches, beaches?  Are you kidding me?  That’s not how people talk.  Who is this Seuss guy anyway?

Also, what’s with all the pictures in these books?  That’s not reading.  That’s looking at pictures.  And, let me tell you something, you want to look at pictures, we live in New York City, there are more museums than you can shake a stick at. You wanna go to one of those?  Let’s go do it.  But, don’t look at a picture of a gluttonous caterpillar eating enough food to kill an elephant and tell me that’s reading.  That’s a picture of a LSD trip gone bad.

And, third of all, let’s stop pretending that looking at a Star Wars book constitutes reading.  Star Wars is a series of movies that’s so well known to everyone in our culture that even you, a 4 year-old who hasn’t seen the movies yet, knows the story.  So, don’t pretend like you’re reading when actually you’re just reciting the story from memory.  You can’t pull that past me.  I know “there once was a boy from Tattooine” just as well as the next guy.

But, lest I come off sounding too critical, let me reiterate that Mommy and I are, indeed, thrilled that you can read.  And, we are eagerly looking forward to the day, hopefully soon, when you can read the monthly bills for rent, cable, phone, and utilities, as we realize that once you understand these items, you will no doubt eagerly participate in the satisfaction of such debts owing.

Until then, enjoy reading about a sidewalk that ends without anyone being sued for negligence, and a land where wild things party all night without the cops being called, and cats in hats cavort as if that was perfectly natural and not a wild hallucination caused by someone spiking the punch bowl.  Yes, you go ahead and read all that, but when you get serious and decide you really want to understand the World, you let me know, and I’m going to introduce you to Shakespeare, because I want you to read that . . . and then explain it to me, because I still don’t understand it, and I’m old enough to be your grand–, er, uh, father.

Love always,

Dad