Our little family (my wife, our 3 year-old son, and I) were together quite a bit during the holidays.  We spent a lot of time with our extended family and, also, doing toddler-appropriate activities (e.g., children’s museums, aquariums, toy stores, book stores, walking through Wal-Mart amazed at the sheer size of it, etc.).  We also engaged in some not-so-toddler-friendly activities, like going through an airport and flying on a plane.

As a result of all this time with our 3 year-old and engaging with him as he engaged with the World, I realized that there is a whole lexicon that one uses with a toddler that those who don’t have toddlers might  not understand.  So, for your benefit, those of you who come into contact with toddlers but don’t necessarily understand how to converse with them, here’s a handy-dandy guide to some key “Toddler-Parenting to English” phrases:

1. PHRASE: “He’ll take a turn and then you’ll take a turn”

ENGLISH MEANING: “Yes, I know he’s a stupid f*ckface, and his parents are even worse for not teaching him any manners, but it’s not worth getting in a fight and going to jail over a Bubble-Guppies doll.  Curious George, maybe, but Bubble Guppies no way!”

 

2. PHRASE: “Don’t hit”

ENGLISH MEANING: “Atta boy! Way to mash that kid into the ground the way he so richly deserves!”

 

3. PHRASE: “Say thank you”

ENGLISH MEANING: “I know it’s a sh*tty gift.  You know how many terrible, horrible, no-good lousy, crappy, thoughtless, underwhelming gifts I’ve gotten from this motherf*cker in my lifetime?  If I had a nickel for everyone, we’d be so rich we could pay to have this assh*le carted off.  So, I get it.  But, I will not have people thinking I’m a crappy parent just because you can’t jump for joy when this snot-nose jerkoff gave you a smoking hot turd of a gift.”

 

4. PHRASE: “What’s the magic word? Please.  Correct?”

ENGLISH MEANING: “I know it’s a sample of a gluten-free, wheat-free, dairy-free cookie baked by hipsters who were themselves baked when they made it, but if you don’t say ‘please’ this trust-funder asswipe white-boy with dreadlocks is gonna spit on that thing before he serves it to you, and then we’re gonna have to take you to the hospital to get you treated for a bad case of sarcastic irony that you caught from this dumb sh*t. So, before I go into my pocket for $500 to pay the E.R. deductible, can you just say ‘please’ and let’s move on with our lives”

 

5. PHRASE: “Daddy’s tired.”

ENGLISH MEANING: “For the love of all that is holy go bother mommy.”

 

6. PHRASE: “Say excuse me to the nice lady”

ENGLISH MEANING: “Listen, kiddo, daddy is a middle-aged guy who hasn’t had sex in so long it’s absurd.  And, all he wants is for a pretty young lady to smile at him so he can remember what it’s like to feel like a man again.  So, just f’ing smile at the chick will you.  She’ll smile back because you’re cute, and me being with you seems adorable and cute to her, and it’s harmless, and not cheating, and mommy doesn’t even have to know about this, okay.”

 

7. PHRASE: “No, we’re not buying that toy.”

ENGLISH MEANING: “And if you ask me again, I’m gonna burn this m*therf*cking toy store to the ground.”

 

8. PHRASE: “Do you understand what daddy is saying?”

ENGLISH MEANING: “If I have to repeat myself one more time, we’re both gonna be crying because of how hard I hit you.”

 

9. PHRASE: “Daddy has to rest.”

ENGLISH MEANING: “It’s possible that daddy has pulled every muscle in his body.  If daddy doesn’t move in 10 seconds, call mommy”

 

10. PHRASE: “It’s time to go home now.  Say goodbye to everybody.”

ENGLISH MEANING: “These people suck, and I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of sitting here and listening to their bullsh*t.  So, let’s go home where we don’t have to pretend to care about these motherf*ckers and their nonsense.”