With the approach of Thanksgiving, I realize that I have much to be thankful for. My wife and I had a baby in August, and he is happy, healthy and thriving. And, while we’re basically going broke with childcare expenses, and while we get little sleep, and while we haven’t had sex in so long, we couldn’t even remember how to do it if we had the opportunity – still we’re thankful.

 

Here are my top 10 things for which I am thankful at this Thanksgiving Holiday season:

 

1. Biracial Coolness: As my son is biracial, I am thankful that being biracial is now a hip, cool and growing trend, one that is so cool it’s trending on Twitter. One day, I hope it becomes so cool my son is more popular than the Kardashians. I just hope he doesn’t have to marry Kim to accomplish that feat

 

2. Breastfeeding: I am thankful that I do not have to breastfeed. I’ve watched it in action, and it seems only slightly less violent than Rugby.

 

3. China: I am thankful that my son’s daycare program teaches the kids Chinese. It will make it that much easier on my son when China completes its takeover and colonization of the United States

 

4. College: I am thankful that college (and tuition payments) are at least 18 years away.

 

5. Diapers: I’ve seen and held a cloth diaper. I am therefore thankful for disposable.

 

6. Hazmat: I am thankful that spit-up and newborn poop are not at all like the adult varieties of those substances.

 

7. Personal Appearance: I am thankful that my son is cute. I’d love him even if he weren’t, but this way I don’t have to put a ski mask attachment on his onesies.

 

8. Personal Success: I am thankful that our President is Biracial because now when my son’s hopes and dreams are crushed like mine (and like those of my father before me), he’ll know it wasn’t because of racism. It was just because he’s from a family of not-quite-successful underachievers.

 

9. Religious Rites: I am thankful that the bris went well. I wasn’t really nervous until the moment of truth, and then it occurred to me that this procedure could mean the difference between my son being popular or having to hide in shame.

 

10. Tax Policy: I am thankful for the Dependent Child Tax Credit. Frankly, it makes me wish I had started having kids much, much sooner, like when I was 11 or 12.

 

Mostly, though (and, in all seriousness), I’m thankful that I have my family. Without them, I’d be a sad, lonely guy, and, more importantly, I wouldn’t have any material for my comedy act!!!