My wife and I have a newborn son named Ivan.  He is 18 weeks old, and we love him  dearly.  Of all the things we love about him is the fact that he is wise beyond his years.

 

 

Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about me and thinks little of my parenting skills to date).

 

 

Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter with tips.  He calls the newsletter:

 

#TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#27):

 

 

1.     Do you have any tips for picking daycare?  Picking daycare is not the problem. They are licensed professionals.  The issue is the nightcare — you and your husband.

 

 

2.    I’ve heard that some European countries provide their citizens with up to 18 months paid maternity leave.  Why is our system in the U.S. so different?  Because we’re Americans, dang it!  We believe in Freedom!  We believe everyone should be free to be broke and separated from their child as early in that child’s life as possible.  We also believe in freedom of speech, which allows people plenty of room to complain about this system, even if actually does nothing to fix it.

 

 

3.    Why is daycare so expensive?   Because any baby who wants some down-time from his or her parents knows that having a whole day away from his or her parents is worth a lot.

 

 

4.     My husband and I are thinking of hiring a nanny.  Any recommendations?  Yes, first decide whether you or your husband are at all interested in a career in politics.  Then you’ll know whether you need to pay the nanny a fair living wage or whether you can keep her chained up in the basement.

 

 

5.     My husband and I just had a baby.  We want to hire a nanny, but I’m worried that my husband might have lustful inclinations toward the nanny.  What should I do?  (a) Hire a male nanny; (b) Hire a nanny who looks like Julia Child; (c) Raise your own child; or (d) Have sex with your husband more than once a year.

 

 

6.     Is it okay to ask the nanny to take care of the dog? Hold on a second?  Do you want the nanny to sleep with your husband, who is a dirty dog, or not?

 

 

7.     Where should I register for my upcoming baby shower? Therapists ‘R Us.

 

 

8.     What’s the difference between a nanny and an au pair?  An au pair is a woman you can even more grossly underpay to care for your child.

 

9.     Should my husband take paternity leave? Yes.  You might also want to encourage him to take a paternity test while he’s at it.

 

 

10.      My husband and I are an interracial couple.  What color will our child be? The only way to really know is the following: first you have to cut your baby in half.  Then mix his entrails in with chicken blood and the ground up horn of a rhinoceros.  Then, simmer that over a low flame for 25 minutes, exactly.  Then, drink the potion, and wait for 3 hours.  Then,  . . . .  wait.  Wait.  Sorry.  Wrong formula.  That’s the formula for how to decide if you are a certified moron.  How will you know what color your child will be — hold him or her up in the light.  Whatever color he or she is — that’s the color.

 

For more of Ivan’s parenting tips, please tune in regularly and see past issues