I’m a better person when I’m around my son.  Which I guess is a roundabout way of saying that on my own, I suck.

Being good is hard work.  It’s not human nature to be that way. You can’t hunt and gather if you’re polite like some English gentleman on Downton Abbey.  You’re not gonna get fed and pay bills if you’re smiling, drinking tea and saying “pardon me.”

So, when I’m with my son, I’m on my best behavior to set a good example.  But, as soon as I drop him at daycare, I’m ready for battle.  Because the world is full of a**holes, and they’ll eat you alive if you’re nice.

So, if you threw my watch in the toilet I’d shove your head in there and make you fish the thing out with your teeth because only a evil-minded jerkoff would do that to someone’s watch.  But, my son throws my watch in the toilet and I’m like “Oh-no, not daddy’s watch.”  Then I stick my hand in the toilet, fish out my watch and laugh with him while he laughs at me fishing it out.  And, now I proudly wear toilet watch.

It makes you realize that the world would be a better place if we took our toddlers everywhere we go.  Look how people act when someone brings their kid to work. The office is a terrible place.  People are miserable. Complaining. Back-stabbing.  Throwing people under the bus.  But, bring a kid in and now everyone stops what they’re doing to smile, talk to the kid, make funny things at the computer.  They’re even nice to each other.

And, crazy thing is, once someone does that – brings their kid to work – it makes it impossible to be mean to them ever again.  The person could just totally screw something up and really deserve to get yelled at, then you see the picture of their kid on their desk, and you say, “Forget it.  Stuff happens. We’ll get ‘em next time.”

Also, kids cut through all the b.s.  They don’t care about hierarchy and pecking order.  To them, the coolest guy at work isn’t the boss.  It’s the guys in the copier room or in the freight elevator, because they have the fun machines to play with.  The boss is boring.  Kids don’t care if you know how to give orders and run a meeting.  That’s not fun.  Besides, bosses always have bad breath.  Always.  From coffee and from all the ass chewing-outs they do each day.  And, kids hate bad breath.