Now that Thanksgiving has ended, we have today the semi-holiday known as “Black Friday” when Americans rouse themselves from their food comas to go on a shopping orgy that is even more frenzied then the food orgy they took part in on Thanksgiving.

This year’s Thanksgiving was the first for our newborn son, Ivan.   As a result, today’s Black Friday is his first.

As we are a Biracial and Jewish family, (Ivan is Half-Black, Half-White and all Jewish, with Christian relatives on his Mother’s side), we like to think of today as “Half-Black” Friday!!

Here then are the list of things Ivan will doing today on – HALF-BLACK FRIDAY:

1.         Buy a copy of Schindler’s List because it’s Black and White and it’s about Jewish people.

2.         Use handicapped parking spots . . . Because Black people have been handicapped for 400 years!!! And, because, oy vey, it’s so far from the back of the lot to the store.  And, my back, and my legs.  I have such a pain.  I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy.

3.         Buy copies of the book “Chicken Soup for Soul Brothers” for family members.

4.         Purchase “Jewfro” pick.

5.         Complain to the Walmart manager that just because they’re bringing back prices from the 1950s doesn’t mean they can bring back their “No Blacks, No Jews” store admission policy.

6.         Go to Black relatives’ homes and defend Judaism.  Go to Jewish relative’ homes and defend Black people.  Go to White, Christian friends’ houses and make fun of relatives.

7.         Leftovers time — celebrate the invention of Kosher “pork” (http://www.jpost.com/JewishWorld/JewishNews/Article.aspx?id=246959) by having a leftover Turkey Club with this new “Kosher” bacon

8.         Make everyone in family watch the “Black and Jewish” video http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/d056b3dd60/black-and-jewish-black-and-yellow-parody.  Make your own version.  Get upset that your version only gets 3 hits, including 1 from your mother who says, “I don’t get it.”

9.         Pretend to laugh when that uncle or aunt you can’t stand calls you “Little Lenny Kravitz” or “Barrack Obamawitz” as if you haven’t heard that a million, billion, jillion, gazillion times already.  So many times, you’re sick of it and sick of everyone, because you’re a person not a demographic statistic.  And, it’s not your f’ing fault that your parents were too dumb to just marry people like themselves, but NOOOOOOO they had to go and get all creative and marry someone of a different race and religion and make things INTERESTING so for the rest of your life you’re the odd-duck, the weirdo, the unicorn who has to explain how he got there!

10.       Figure out ways to be out of town on Hanukkah and Christmas because it’s enough with the relatives for this year.