I just underwent an intensive course of study of mediation. I feel much more centered, relaxed . . . and hey will you fucking stop texting and read what I’m telling you about how I’m so relaxed!

In any event, as I was saying, I just went through a meditation course, which has made me much more peaceful and much more accepting of people, except of course people who annoy the shit out of me, which is basically everyone who doesn’t live with me and sometimes (and I’m sorry to my wife and son for saying this) people who do live with me from time-to-time.

But, yes, I’m far more Zen and groovy and willing to just go with the flow, though I have to say that I really can’t understand how the fuck the Republican Party thinks Climate Change isn’t real.

But I digress. The point is to say that now that I’m so much more at peace and in tune with my own intrinsic nature, I’m ready to do some serious self-exploration.  One line of inquiry I intend to pursue is why I’m not rich and this guy I went to high school with who was literally dumber than a bag of hammers is rich beyond everyone’s wildest imagination.  Forget chewing gum and walking at the same time. This guy couldn’t string two ideas together unless it was the desire to open his mouth and the subsequent idea to leave it hanging open.

In truth, meditation is wonderful. It’s a chance to take a nap in the middle of the day, but because you call it “meditation” and claim it’s a 5000-year-old Hindu tradition, people believe that you aren’t as lazy as you really are.

I will say that meditation leaves you refreshed and revitalized and opens your mind, just wide enough, in fact, that you can see how little money you have and just how unfair life is.

It’s also a great way of replenishing your senses, which may have been dulled by lack of sleep. Thus, for example, now that I’m meditating regularly, I can report that my sense of indignation at being lower middle class in a city filled with billionaires is working at top speed.

Most of all, though, meditation helps you live in the present, which is a pretty fantastic deal. Although when you think about it, no one to this point has been able to successfully time-travel, so I’m not sure that living in the present is that hard to do, seeing that no one can live in the past or the future.

In the end, notwithstanding the above, I’m pleased to report that meditation has made me a far better human . . . at least when you compare it to the effect meditation has had on my ability to be an amoeba.