In case you didn’t read, see or hear the news today, the Supreme Court ruled that the Constitution guarantees the right to same-sex marriage.  This is a big decision.  A landmark decision.  One that affirms civil rights, human rights, and personal freedom to marry the person you wish.

In many ways, there are similarities between this decision and the Court’s ruling in Loving v. Virginia. In that 1967 decision, the Court held that laws banning interracial marriage were unconstitutional.  That decision, too, affirmed civil rights, human rights, and personal freedom to marry the person of your choice.

Interestingly, the Loving decision was decided by a unanimous Supreme Court. Today’s ruling, on gay marriage, was only decided by a 5-4 margin.  Although it’s tempting to wonder and comment upon why the dissenting judges dissented, I will not do that here, other than to note that being a Supreme Court Justice doesn’t guarantee that someone is perfect or always correct. Indeed, it is wise to remember that 7 Supreme Court Justices in Plessy v. Ferguson ruled in favor of “separate but equal.”

However, as a member of an interracial marriage, a person who directly benefited from the Loving v. Virginia decision, I do want to comment upon this most recent ruling in favor of gay marriage and offer my gay friends and brothers and sisters a hearty “welcome” into the marriage pond.  I also want to offer a few friendly helpful hints about this institution of marriage that you’re about to embark upon.

1.  You know those rom-coms that we all love?  The ones that usually star Julia Roberts or Jennifer Lopez going through all sorts of embarrassing situations to finally marry the ultimate spouse and have a phenomenal life?  Well you can forget that.  There’s no “rom” and not much “com” in marriage.  If you really want to make a movie about marriage, you’d make a documentary called “We’re Broke, Tired and Sexless”

2. You know Corinthians, “Love is this” “Love is that”  Yeah, well, Paul was drunk when he wrote that.  Also, as far as anyone knows, Paul never got married.  So, you know, remember that.  If he really knew what he was talking about, Paul would’ve written Corinthians like this: “Love is the only reason I’m not gonna run you over with the car for forgetting to pay the auto insurance bill.  Love is the only thing stopping me from shoving these pillows up your nose to get you to stop snoring.  Love is why I don’t dump this trash on your head to remind you to take it out once in awhile.”

3. Hello bigger tax bill.  Yeah, what they don’t tell you on your wedding day is that you just signed up for a lifetime of paying more in taxes because now you’re “married filing jointly.”

4. Marriage and sex are like matter and anti-matter. They cannot exist in the same place.  So congratulations on getting married.  I hope you like looking at your partner in sweatpants.  And, if you like that, you’ll really love the burping and the farting.

5. Also, the great thing about marriage is that you no longer have to worry about having fun or getting excited about new experiences.  Marriage is about consistency and predictability.  So, congratulations!  You now have a lifetime to build up a library full of going to the grocery, watching tv, and debating the merits of how to get from point A to point B.

6. Another really cool aspect of marriage is getting to play the game “Whose day sucked more?”  Yes, every day for the rest of your life, you get to come home and kvetch (that’s complain in Yiddish) to your spouse about how shitty your day was, and then they have a chance to beat that with their own tale of woe.  Then, you get to try to top that with the “oh, and I forgot this.” And, then they get a response, with “yeah, but you interrupted me before I could tell you about this other thing.”  The ultimate winner of the game is lucky enough to spend the evening in a depressive funk, drinking wine by the boxload.  The loser gets to convince the winner that their life isn’t so bad by saying “hey at least we’ve got each other” at which point you both start drinking heavily.

7. Marriage makes people gain weight.  It’s been empirically proven.  Anyone who loses weight during marriage is either training for a marathon (after which they will promptly gain the weight back) or they have food poisoning (and they’ve been throwing up for a week). The only time married people lose weight and keep it off is when they’re over the age of 80, at which point being too thin is a problem  (if you fall on your hip you need some padding).

8. Married people lose the ability to think for themselves.  What happens it that during the night, your brains leak out of your ears into your spouse’s head (and vice-versa). Over time, it becomes the case that the two of you share just one brain. Thus, you are unable to make any decisions without your spouse weighing in.

9. When you’re married, the other person is always there.  You get mad, storm into the other room and slam the door — guess what?  Your spouse doesn’t magically disappear. They’re just still there on the other side of the door, still doing the same irritating shit as before.  Because THEY’RE ALWAYS THERE.  ‘Nuff said.

10. People don’t mellow with age.  You just lose the will to fight or care as much.  You’ll also lose the ability to control your bladder or much of anything in your body, so the fact that your spouse is a pushy S.O.B. may ultimately come in handy when they have to yell at the EMT guy to stop screwing around, put you on the gurney and get your ass to the hospital.

In the end, though, marriage isn’t all bad.  There is at least one great benefit (and, no, it is definitely not sex). And, to explain this benefit, I quote my father, George Barnett, who on the occasion of my 40th birthday offered me the following piece of advice:

“There will be a lot of places you will go the rest of your life.  One piece of advice: TAKE SOMEONE.”

He’s right.  In the end, the one really great part of marriage is that you have someone with you every step of the way who records your presence on this Earth and in this life.  You may not always be liked, but you will always be loved, and you will be remembered.

So, congratulations, same-sexers! And, Mazel Tov! I wish you a very long, dull, sexless marriage like the rest of us.