As the dad of a 3 year old son, I’m faced on an almost daily basis with moments where I have to “lay down the law.”  It can be trying, and as a parent, I have what amounts to dictatorial control.  I am the law in our house (well, okay, my wife is, but by transitive property I am too).  If I give my son an edict, he must obey.  Yes, he will resist like the most ardent member of a 60s-Era nonviolent protest movement, but eventually he cannot escape the authoritarian rule that is “THE DAD.”

But, having that sort of power doesn’t mean it needs to be wielded like a blunt instrument.  Sometimes, yes, there are things we as parents have to insist upon so that our kids avoid harm: “Don’t talk to strangers.”  “Don’t play pin-the-tail on the electrical socket.”  “Don’t drink that water in the toilet.”

Other times, though, discretion needs to come into play.   Just because you want something, and your child wants something else, doesn’t mean they are necessarily wrong, and you’re necessarily right.  Sometimes, you have to check your ego at the door, and listen and ask whether what they want is okay and whether justice requires that you — not your child — bend your will.  A cookie isn’t always a bad thing.  “5 more minutes” isn’t the end of the world.  Skipping a bath tonight won’t make the Earth stop spinning on its axis.

But, the choices aren’t always that stark.  Sometimes it’s not always easy to decide whether permitting your child’s request is a good idea or a bad idea.  So, to help those of you, who (like me) are often groping in the dark for answers, I’ve come up with the notion (actually, I didn’t come up with it. It’s in the Torah).  And, it’s this — guide yourself by the concept that “justice, justice, shalt thou pursue.”

Now, if I could divert down a path for a second, I’d like to note that Talmudic scholars have often pondered why the phrase is “justice, justice  . . .”  Why is the word “justice” repeated?  Why would God repeat himself/herself?  Especially since God is assumed to be perfect, and the Torah is God’s word transcribed in written form.  How can it be that God would make a typo?

The best explanation that I’ve ever heard is that it’s not a typo. That the word “justice” is repeated intentionally because it is a mandate that we are not only to pursue justice in the goals/ends that we seek but we are to pursue those ends through just (justice-filled) means.  In other words, by all means bring criminals to justice but don’t use crooked devices to do so.

What does that mean in the context of toddler-rearing?  Well, simply this: when teaching your child about the bigger picture, about being a just and righteous person, you must use just means to do so.  You can’t teach a kid not to hit other kids by spanking them.  You can’t teach a kid to be flexible about food choices by forcing them to sit in the dark at the kitchen table long after everyone else has gotten up and left the room, and the food is cold.  You can’t teach your kid to stop obsessing over the iPad, while you yourself are fixated, lip open watching tv.

If you want junior to behave justly and rightly, you must do so in a way that shows that you do too.

Of course, no one expects you to be perfect (except maybe you yourself).  That’s why they invented “do as I say, not as I do.” It’s also why they invented things like “Vodka” and “Mommy and Daddy need some quiet time” and, indeed, I would argue it’s why they invented the iPad, because frankly, none of us can really teach our kids to be all that good without the help of the Internet and the people at Pixar.  Because remember, if you can’t be just, Woody, Buzz Lightyear, Mater, and Sully will be for you.