My wife and I have a 3 year old. His name is Ivan.  He is a wonderful boy.  Indeed, he is wise beyond his years.  And, in his infinite wisdom, he has instructed my wife and I in the ways of parenting and the world.  So, for those of you out there struggling to parent a toddler, let me provide you the benefits of what I’ve learned from my own Sensei:

1. It’s not bedtime till your toddler says it is.  You may think it is when you say it is, but then you are living in a hallucinogenic-filled world of self-delusion.  Until your child says goodnight and actually shuts his or her eyes, it’s not bedtime.

2. Toddlers are not just like adults but smaller and with a more limited vocabulary.  Toddlers are in fact alien beings.  They come from a planet called “Whine,” where the most highest form of being is found in those who can communicate all of their thoughts by pouting and sounding as if they sprung a leak.

3. The t.v. is not a surrogate parent, but it’s a heckuva close second, isn’t it? If you’ve learned how to park your child in front of the tv or iPad, welcome to the club.  If you’re one of those people who thinks tv is bad for kids and limits your child to little or no tv each day, I have one thing to say to you “you brought this sh*t on yourself.”

4. Toddlers can’t spell, but they remember EVERYTHING that they hear and see (how could they not, they only have to remember like 2 or 3 years worth of stuff).  So, next time you break your toe while kicking the cabinet in anger at your toddler, remember, you have to say “Fudge!” because if you say the other thing, you’re gonna get a call from the folks at daycare wondering how come little Johnny drops more F-Bombs than a late-night comic.

5. If someone is rude to you, push them hard and yell “No!”  It’s a little off-putting, but more often than not, you get what you want.

6. On the other hand, if someone is rude to you, do not throw sand in their face, because they will throw sand back, and then you will have to retaliate, and then they will, and then you will have a nuclear sand-arms race on your hands that will spiral out of control.

7. Ironically, the best way to get your toddler to stop doing something is to show interest in and participate in what they’re doing.  You don’t like them jumping on the couch? You get on the couch and jump on it.  It’ll freak the kid out, and voila, no more couch-jumping problem.  (On the other hand, you will have a busted couch, and if you’re not careful, you’ll probably fall off the couch while you’re jumping on it and bust your head open like a coconut).

8. Grandparents aren’t really smarter.  They just don’t have to do any heavy-lifting, and they’re more rested than parents.

9. You must let go of your insistence on going to the bathroom with the door closed.  To a toddler, a closed door is really just a big sign saying “YOU ARE HEREBY CORDIALLY INVITED”

10. There’s no guarantee that your child will succeed in life, but there’s nothing that says he or she won’t.  Bet on success.  It’ll make your own retirement that much sweeter.