Our family is Jewish, so we don’t celebrate Christmas.

Correction, we don’t celebrate at home.  I’m more than happy to come to your Christmas party, eat your food, and drink your booze.  If you insist on sending me a holiday card of yourself and your family, that’s fine.  I won’t just throw it in the card.  I’ll open it. I’ll read it.  I’ll think of you, and I’ll even put it up on the mantel or hang it for awhile till I get sick of looking at your face.

But other than that, we don’t celebrate Christmas.  No tree at our house.  No caroling.  No stockings.  No presents. No forced anxiety caused by wondering how the family is going to be able to hold it together through Christmas all under one roof.

For us, Christmas is always more of a “what if . . . .”  In other words, “what if you were Christian and celebrated Christmas, what would you want to do to celebrate. What gifts would you like?”

Well, the “how would I want to celebrate is easy.”  I’m a dad of toddler who has more energy than a nuclear power plant.  I would want to celebrate by sleeping till 4 in the afternoon.  Waking up to a fresh cup of coffee and a big glass of cold grapefruit juice.  And then I’d want to do nothing but go for a run and watch movies with my son, while someone else feeds him and changes his diapers.  In other words, I want to celebrate by being a good-for-nothing, lazy bum.

And, what do I want as a gift for Christmas?  What don’t I want?  I’m human.  I want everything you want and some things you probably never thought of but would want if I told you about them.

If I have to be selective, I guess there are some things I want more than others.  If we’re really going to delve into what I want, it’d be a list populated by things like:

1. height (6’2” to 6’5”)

2. immunity to all disease

3. ability to fly

4. supernatural strength

5. musical abilities greater than Mozart (and a singing voice better than Nat Cole)

6. athletic gifts greater than LeBron

7. better than perfect vision and hearing

8. an intellect greater than that of Einstein, Newton and Stephen Hawking combined

9. ability to engage in time-travel

10. ability to stop and then reverse Global Warming with ease

(That last one threw you didn’t it?  You never thought I’d go semi-altruistic with one, did you?)

In other words, I want to be Superman, but with a great singing voice and without the responsibility of saving everyone all the time.

However, I’m assuming you’re asking me to stay somewhat within the confines of reality here.  Because none of the things on the aforementioned list are going to happen. So, if we’re doing reality-based gifts, here’s my list.

1. A billion dollars

(A stretch, yes, but it could happen)

2.  Another billion dollars

(As you know, that first billion only goes just so far)

After that, I can basically buy for myself and my family most of the things we want and need.  So, the rest of the list would be things that can’t be bought (at least not outright)

3.  A Democratic party that doesn’t insist on getting bullied from pillar to post by the GOP because it’s gotten so used to playing the role of victim.

(In other words, a Democratic party that’s more like Bill Clinton at this year’s Democratic Party mocking the GOP for not using arithmetic and less like the current Dems who talk a good game about protecting the social safety net and then look to compromise away Social Security benefits as soon as the GOP throws an elbow).

4.  A Republican politician who will stand up and say: “My party is filled with crazy people and cynical old gas-bags, so I’m starting a new, third party called Republicans Who Aren’t Crazy Or So Jaded, Cynical and Hypocritical It’s Impossible To Believe.  The Party also may be referred to as the Lincoln-Javits-Ribikoff-Rockefeller-Lindsay Party, in honor of Republicans who actually cared about people.  Our platform is that we’re basically the Democratic Party, but we’re run way more efficiently, we market ourselves better, we’re unafraid to take a principled stand in defense of the environment, social justice and public health, and we keep to a budget.  In other words, we’re the Democratic Party in an Aaron Sorkin movie.  We impose no rules upon our own members who run for office except one — while you’re in office, you will be paid the same salary and given the same benefits as a family of four living at the poverty line as defined in the United States.

(Okay, I know, I got a little bit away from reality with that one)

5.  My own dedicated, 24/7 hotline to a “genius” from the Apple genius bar

(Again, not totally realistic, but maybe Apple could do a bit better with customer service)

6.  A chair and desk set that are actually bit for people my height and not for some Viking.

7.  A truly independent media.

(And, don’t tell me they’re “independent” now.  If they are, how come it is that they all decide to cover the same trivial, celebrity nonsense on the same day?  Being a reporter means research and report, not read the other guy’s paper and report on what it says)

8. Tourist lanes on NYC sidewalks

(If you live in NYC, you know what I mean).

9.  An end to all commercials on television.  If a company wants to advertise, it should buy a ballpark and put its name on the side.  Or, better yet, just make the politicians you’ve bought and paid for wear your company logo on their suit, like the soccer players in Europe do.

(I know.  Never gonna happen.  But, wouldn’t it be refreshing to see some turkey-necked old dude on C-Span defending Big Oil with a giant Exxon/Mobil logo on his suit jacket? Then at least you’d know why the old buzzard was going on and on about how oil companies are “small businesses” that need tax breaks and should be applauded for their environmental policy of “not polluting the Gulf of Mexico nearly as much as BP.”)

10.   Free cable.

(I know.  I realize that if I have a billion or two dollars, paying for cable shouldn’t be that big a deal, but, honestly, have you seen what’s on?  So much of it is such crap.  And, can the movie channels possibly put some good movies into the rotation and not do an endless tape loop of grade D, rom-coms and horror flicks?)

Oh, and I’ll add one more to the list – please someone force the Mets’ ownership to sell that team to someone with some money, some good sense and an architect who will make over that dumb Citi Field (and change its name).

**Meantime, on a serious note, I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.  I hope yours is filled with joy and with laughter and that you get to share it with good friends and with family.