My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan.  He is 5 months old, and we love him  dearly.  Of all the things we love about him is the fact that he is wise beyond his years.

 

Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about me and thinks little of my parenting skills to date).

 

Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter with tips.  He calls the newsletter:

 

#TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#44):

 

1.             Our son is 6 months old, and he seems to have a lot of gas.  Should we be concerned? Nah, put it this way – would you rather he farted on you or pooped on you?

 

2.             Our baby is 5 months old, and he really seems to hate lying on his back. What’s that about?  Hey, I’d also object to any position that forced me to look up at your face all the time.

 

3.             Our baby is 6 months old, and we’re thinking about introducing solid foods.  How should we do that?  Easy.  You cue the background music.  You step up the microphone. You count off, “5, 6, 7, 8 . . .” and you say, “Hey, baby, I want you to meet solid foods.”  Then you turn to the food, and you say “Solid foods, I want you to meet the baby.” Then, you step back and say, “Okay, well, I’m gonna give you two a couple of minutes to get acquainted, then we’ll put on our jackets and go out to eat.”  Alternatively, you could take the baby to a Solid Foods speed-dating event, where he or she can meet 6 different solid foods in less than 1 hour.  Or, you could just screw your head on straight, sit your kid in your lap and give him or her a small bite of mashed-up banana as has been done for eons.  Your choice.

 

4.             When our baby does start on solid food, what do  you recommend we serve?  A nice filet mignon and a ’96 cabernet sauvignon.  If you can’t swing that, just give the kid whatever Gramps is eating.  He doesn’t have any teeth either.

 

5.             Our son is 6months old, and likes to grab us by our faces.  Is that normal?  Yes, it’s fine.  And, just wait till he’s about 3, and he’s large enough to clank  yours and your husband’s heads together, which is what your child really wants to do to knock some sense into you.

 

6.             A friend told me that they heard of babies that can use the toilet.  Is that possible? Listen, we all know it’s no fun, but if you have a baby, you have to change diapers for a couple of years.  Think of it this way, if sex is “doing the crime” now changing the diapers is “doing the time.”  And, you know what they say – if you you’re gonna do the crime, you gotta be ready to do the time . . . unless of course you work on Wall Street, in which case you can do whatever the hell you want even if it’s not physically possible or involves accounting magic and wizardry not even possible at Hogwart’s.

 

7.             When will our baby be old enough for the jogging stroller?  Why don’t you just ask me what would happen if pigs could fly.  You’re never gonna jog. This is a purely hypothetical question.

 

8.             How do you explain the fact that sometimes when 2 people in a couple are unattractive, they have an attractive baby but when 2 people in a couple are attractive, they have an unattractive baby? Adultery and infidelity is how I explain it.  Also, God has a sense of humor.  And, third, the stork is a lazy, good-for-nothing who’s so bad at his job, it’s a wonder that anyone gets their baby delivered.

 

9.             When should we buy our baby shoes to wear? If I were you, I’d wait till he’s done kicking your ass.  So, basically, I’d wait till he’s 23-24, and he’s desperate to move back in because he can’t get a job.  That’s the only time you’ll really have him over a barrel.

 

10.           My wife and I are an interracial couple, and we just had a baby.  People keep asking us “what color is the baby?”  It’s makes us so uncomfortable.  What should we say? Just tell them he’s ‘black and white and read all over.’  Then, as they stand there looking at you like you just said something ridiculous, add “Hey, ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.”

 

For more of Ivan’s parenting tips, please tune in regularly and see past issues